PETRAfied.

My friends, hello.  I realize it has been about four score and seven years since I have blogged.  I sincerely apologize and 7 out of 10 palm readers say it won’t happen again.  The reason for my absence contributed largely to the fact that I had nothing nice to say.  The first few weeks it sucked to be me.  My first narrative on my experience in Jerusalem read “The water smells funny, and the food is gross.”  The second one read “I feel like I’m at EFY with a butt load of homework.”  The third one read “I’m at bible boot camp.  They think I don’t know a butt load of crap about the gospel, but I do.” Besides spending a majority of my time doing homework, I also spent the first few weeks sick.  Every day I felt nauseous.  It was getting to the point where I was beginning to think I was pregnant, or had some kind of demon disease going on.  I am in the Holy Land and all, but Immaculate Conception was a one time thing.  So, needless to say I was baffled. But I finally figured out that it was my daily vitamin that was making me sick.  Ironic.  So I quit taking it, soon after which I got a cold.  Sickness never was happiness.  But I am now fully healthy for the first time since being here, so things are looking up, and I can get back to blogging, and yall can get back to blog stalking me, and all will be right in the world again.  Except Obama is still president and by the time I retire Social Security and Medicare will be long gone, so all things aren't actually right in the world. But friends, family, and casual acquaintances, don’t you worry, don't you let your osteological frame tremble, you haven’t missed out on much and what you have missed out on I will fill you in on.  The first few weeks we went on some field trips to tells which I found super boring.  They are excavations sites of  ancient cities where ancient people lived doing ancient stuff.  It’s cool for 10 minutes and then I’m done.  I’m not an archaeologist, so it actually is not very meaningful to me.  Mainly I  just look around the whole time and think about what a great location it would be for paint balling or laser tagging or any other variety of game where you run around all willy nilly and shoot people.  However, as of late things have been getting real awesome. Buckle your bootstraps, and cinch your belt real tight so you don't lose your pantaloons because some highlights of the trip so far are coming at ya.

1) We went to the temple mount for the ushering in of the Sabbath party which inevitably means being surrounded by a ton of Israeli soldiers.  Israeli soldiers=BABES.  Before I came everyone was all like “Don’t fall in love with an Israeli.” To which I had a hearty laugh because I have spent the last 2.5 years in the company of thousands of eligible bachelors without any appeal.  However, one of the Israeli soldiers definitely caught my eye.  Totes looked like he was birthed by Beyonce and Usher.  He was easily the most beautiful man I have ever seen.  Besides being in the company of the Israeli soldiers, going to the Western Wall was great.  I kind of wish I were Jewish, then I wouldn’t have to go through the whole “It’s Friday night and I don’t know what to do because all my friends are on dates and I already watched all the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter movies” bit.  I would have a social event planned for every Friday night.  Sabbath party!  Pretty great, huh?  So I was like maybe I will just starting having those when I get back to Provo, except I realized you still have to invite people and hope they come and provide snacks and organize and plan, but this is just like you show up and everybody is there.  No party invites, no party favors, nothing.  Just good unadulterated fun.  While there I put a prayer in the wall.  It read “Dear God, Please bless America.”  Then I kept remembering stuff I needed to ask for so I added “And please help me to do well in my classes so that I can be a productive member of society.”  And then I added “Please help the BYU basketball players to step up their game and quit playing like a bunch of ninnies.”  And then later I remembered to add “Please help my parents to not worry about me getting blown up all the time.  And please help my mom to forgive me for never calling home because I am too cheap to buy a calling card.” It was all on a little scrap of paper and not too legible, but it’s okay because I’m pretty sure God is good at deciphering bad handwriting and that kind of stuff.  Also, I’m not Jewish so I don’t know if that prayer actually counts, but it was a cultural experience nonetheless, and I’m all about those.  Unless it involves cultural food and drink, which I usually find to be quite gross.  Fun lil story about that.  We went to this bedouin (yeah, I don't actually know what that word means but they throw it around a lot.  I keep meaning to wiki it but if you would like to take the initiative to do that and leave the definition in a comment or something it would be very noble and would classify you as a gentleman and a scholar) village where they were making these rugs out of sheep fluff and they gave us this tea (don't worry it was herbal and the Word of Wisdom was kept fully intact).  I took some because cultural experiences are great.  What was not so great was the tea.  Besides burning my tongue real bad and giving me tingly tongue all day it made me want to vomit.  So I discreetly poured it on the ground, which was not so discreet when the lady came back to collect my cup later and stepped in my little tea puddle.  I highly doubt she has a background in detective work, but we were in the desert and under a canopy, so I'm guessing it wasn't as much of a mystery as I had anticipated. I did a great dishonor to Nancy Drew that day.

Bedouin woman making a rug.

My friend Emily and I at the Western Wall.  Not on the Friday pre-Sabbath celebration because it was too crowded, but on another equaly awesome day.

2) Some friends and I went to lunch with Aladdin, the money changer here.  He is my favorite.  Also, he loves me.  He asked if I was going on a mission and I said nope.  And he asked "your mission is in the kitchen?" And I was like no, it’s in the laundry room.  And he thought it was hysterical.  I love that he loves women jokes because I love women jokes.  And I hate when girls get offended by them and I hate feminists and I ESPECIALLY hate Hillary Rodham Clinton.  And every time I tell a woman joke I imagine her crying about it.  Which makes me love women jokes even more.  Aladdin laughed at most things I said and did, especially when I ate an onion like an apple and my eyes got all watery.  Also he told me I should be an actress, and that I was funny, and that I was #1.  And he told me I was in charge of the group because I had the charisma and the beauty.  And then he told me I was funny a few more times.  I don't think anyone has ever had such high self-esteem as I did at that meal.  Except maybe when Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize.  Oh wait.  That was a joke.  And he always has that smug look on his face.  Aladdin loved me so much he is treating us to a nice dinner in
West Jerusalem and he is taking us clubbing at this place called Dublin.  Also this baby started crying in the restaurant and he yelled “Shut up baby.”  I died laughing because I always want to yell that at babies but it is highly frowned upon in American society.  It probably is in Palestinian society as well.  Aladdin, is just a hood rat and does what he wants.  There is a lot to be learned about life from Aladdin.  He told me I could call him grandpa, and we are best friends.  And he wrote my name for me in Arabic and gave me his phone number in case I ever get in trouble.  He is so great, I only change money in small amounts so I can visit him all the time.  Also, I draw him pictures and he hangs them up in his shop.

Classic Garfield pic. Aladdin is going to love it.

3) Jordan.  We spent this week in Jordan.  It was so great.  However, it definitely was not a first world country.  The food made me feel sick, and when I turned on the shower the water was always brown for a few seconds.  Needless to say we were not allowed to drink the water there.  However, one of our hotels did have a bidet.  Super classy.  However, I didn’t use it because I’ve used one before and mainly I just ended up with a wet butt and wet underwear from the wet butt.  Not cute.  Also while driving to our hotel we passed the U.S. Embassy, but sad story.  It was raining so the windows were all fogged up so I couldn't even see the flag.   I miss seeing Old Glory flying everywhere, nothing is more beautiful than the stars and stripes.  I was pretty sad.  And by pretty sad I mean I stared out the window the rest of the bus ride and listened to my America playlist.  Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" never gets old.  Neither does Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue." Nor Ray Charles's "America the Beautiful." Nor Mannheim Steamroller's "American Spirit" album.  Nor Springteen's "Born in the USA."  And especially not Miley's "Party in the USA."***While in Jordan we went to Mt. Nebo, which was where Moses was shown the Promised Land and where he "died." But of course we know that isn't so because of modern-day revelation and the JST, we know he was translated, of course.  We also went to Petra, which was the coolest place I have ever been.  Easily.  Even more so than the Grand Canyon, CBS Studios, and Marshville, NC (the birthplace of country music star Randy Travis).  Seriously.  Words can’t even describe it.  Below are some pics.  Which still can’t even begin to do it justice.  The magnitude of its greatness is so great that it has been named one of the great wonders of the world.  Number 4 in fact.  I could spend several weeks there hiking around and exploring.  We hiked up to the monastery and it was seriously so cool.  What was not so cool was the 800 some odd steps and the hour long hike while needing to use the restroom the whole time because the Jordanian food was coursing through me as swift as a coursing river with all the force of a great typhoon.  There wasn't a bathroom at the top, so I"ll let you use your imagination on how I dealt with that little situation.  Hint: I did not poop my pants. The view made the hike totally worth it.  Spectacular.  Other Petra highlights include riding a camel.  Easily the best $7 bucks I will ever spend in my life.  It was for about a half mile and never again will I travel a more amazing half mile in my life.  Unless I get super in shape and run one in like 2 minutes or something.  That'd be pretty amazing.  However, riding a camel was a little bit frightening.  I didn’t realize how tall camels are, nor the fact that they are not at all graceful when standing up.  Also, upon the end of my ride I kissed the camel.  It was better than my first kiss.  And it wasn't because kissing the camel was really great, it was really quite disgusting because it tried to eat my face and then my friend kept not taking my picture in time so I kissed it like 5 times.  After which I swished some hand sanitizer around in my mouth.  Fun fact.  No matter how good the Bath & Body Works hand sanitizer smells, it actually does not taste good.  Not even a little bit.  But good news, the camel didn't even give me allergy troubles.  I expected my eyes to balloon up and swell shut like normal and for my nose to become a faucet and my lungs to get all restricted.  But none of those things happened.  Probably because I still had Benadryl in my system from the night before because my bed in the hotel super grossed me out and I had to take drug myself in order to sleep comfortably.  I pulled down the comforter and a big nasty long hair was in the bed.  So then I laid a towel over the sheets and slept on it and didn't use any covers because I wanted to be touching as little surface of those blankets and beds at possible.  Was I cold, was I uncomfortable?  I don't even know.  Benadryl is great.  The other highlights of Jordan include visiting Jerash, an ancient Roman city.  I felt like I was in Greece.  Or maybe Rome. It was the coolest, besides Petra, of course.  The other best part of Jordan was going to the baptismal site of Jesus.  People in the branch here often get baptized there, which mainly made me feel super lame about getting baptized in a font.  In Utah.  And it also made me think of my own baptism and how my mom failed to pack me dry underwear and my itchy, frilly, white baptismal dress which I already hated even before it made my bare butt all itchy, and how I had to wear it without any underwear, and how my grandpa gave a talk and had me come stand in front of everyone on a chair and the whole time I just wanted to itch my poor fanny that was getting all scratched up, but I had to maintain my dignity and composure because I was standing in front of everyone.  And now that I was of the age of accountability I didn’t want to be held accountable for indecent exposure.  Don’t worry, I have since forgiven my mother for that experience.  But besides bringing back those scarring memories, visiting the Jordan River was a super spiritual and great experience.  However, the Jordan River does not look in real life as it is depicted in the picture in the back of the Bible.  It was of a much darker hue, and less aesthetically pleasing than I expected.  That was a nice way of saying it was way uglier than I thought it would be.  But still as spiritually enlightening of course.

The treasury.

Riding camels.

My friend Matt and I doing the Nacho pose.

Happy jig.

The monastery I hiked up to and nearly pooped my pants for.

HI MOM!

Artsy fartsy.

The treasury.  Again.

Monastery.

Headstand.

New trend.  Headstand with no hands.

I was dropped from space and landed on my head in Petra.

Perfected.

Hey mom.  The horse didn't even give me allergies.  Also, my scarf was wrapped by an authentic Arab.  And he told me I had beautiful blue eyes. But actually I inherited them from Father Weston, so pass the message on to him.

The camel, as evidenced by his facial expression, was real excited.

Kissing the camel.  Soon after which I discovered hand sanitizer is not meant to be ingested.

My friend Kirstin and I.

That's my Old Testament teacher Brother Schade.  He's real cool.

Mt. Nebo

My friend Jeff and I.

Friendz.

This is what the Jordan River looks like in the Bible.  Except the blog keeps flipping it the wrong way.  But I trust that yall all have Bibles so you can see it on the proper axial plane on your own time.

This is what it the Jordan River looks life in real life.

Touching the Jordan River. In my sweet Garfield shirt from the Old City, nonetheless.

Look who I found at the Jordan border crossing.  DUBYA!  It made up for missing out on seeing the American flag.  Too bad Bill Clinton was on another wall disgracing America.

Jerash.

The Greeks or Romans or whoever wrote this knew what was up.  YOLO.

Aw yeah.

NACHOOO.

4) Going to the Garden of Gethsemane.  I seriously hope yall have the experience to go sometime in your life.  Or maybe the next one.  Except the Mount of Olives is going to split in two when the Savior comes again so I am not actually sure what the structural soundness of the area will be at that time, so that might not be possible.  So try to make it during this lifetime, my friends.  It makes the Atonement and suffering of our Savior so much more real.  There were lots of tourists there so to drown them out I listened to the one Mo-Tab song I had on my iPod like 10 times.  Luckily, it was “I Believe in Christ” so it worked out pretty well.  But I have since repented and added some more Mo-Tab so I will have more musical variety next time I go.  Also, the trees there are 3,000 years old.  So they were there when Jesus was there.  That's pretty neat.  But since it's a tree, it would be classified as neature.  How neat is that? 

Gnary old 3,000 year old trees in the garden.

Walk to the Garden of Gethsemane through Orson Hyde park.

5) Going to the doctor. I went with one of my friends because she was getting her paperwork done for her mission papers.  It was quite the experience.  They say this is a first-world country but after going to the doctor I seriously doubt it.  Once you got over the strong stench of urine and fecal matter, you started to look around and you notice number 1, paper files and the absence of any computers at the receptionist desk and number 2, the absence of those little bins with the toxic sign on it for hypodermic needles.  The doctor just tossed it in a normal trash can.  Also, one of the doctors was wearing crocs.  Call me an elitist but I would not let anyone wearing crocs within a mile of me with a needle.  Crocs take away any and all credibility. But in his defense, he didn't have the little decorative pins in them, so maybe I would have let him use the little flashlight thing to examine my throat and nose, or a stethoscope to examine my breathing or heart beat or whatever that is used to examine.

6) Jericho.  We went on a field trip to Jericho which is cool because we saw the walls of Jericho, which we all know fell down.  Also, fun fact.  It's the oldest city in the world.  And the lowest.  And they supposedly have the best bananas in the world, but they weren't that great.  They obviously have not had a banana from the famous Rindlisbach family banana tree. Or the Bluth banana stand. Also, we saw the road to Jericho which is where the Good Samaritan story took place, and we saw the Mount of Temptation where Jesus was tempted after fasting for 40 days and nights.  How neat is that?  That's pretty neat.

Mount of Temptation.

The story of the Good Samaritan took place somewhere down  yonder. 

7) The Old City.  Going into the Old City is like going back several hundred or maybe even thousand years.  It is so cool.  It is just this crazy cultural infusion of smells and sights and sounds.  I love it.  Guys.  The Old City has so much cool stuff to buy.  Mainly they have all these tshirt shops full of hilarious tshirts.  Tshirts are my biggest weakness.  I want all of them.  Forget chocolate and Matthew McConaughey shirtless. I have limited my purchases to 3 so far but I have a lineup.  My next purchase is going to be a ninja turtle tshirt with Raphael holding up his ninja turtle shield and it has the star of David on it.  It is super great.  The tshirt purchase after that is going to be this one with an eagle and a wolf on it, except the store only has it in XL, but that's okay because it is beautiful and it is a symbol of America's heritage and I love it.  Besides the awesome tshirt shops, my other favorite place in the Old City is the Dome of the Rock.  Jerusalem is easily one of my favorite cities.  However, unless Jerusalem starts selling delectable fried chicken and onion rings and they put up a Bojangle's Famous Chicken 'n Biscuits in the next three months, it stands no chance against ATL.

ATL! That tshirt is one of my many great purchases.

Repping ATL.  Holler!

The original headstand pic.

Redefining the jumping picture one awkward tourist photo at a time.

8) We went on a tour beneath the Jerusalem Center and we were allowed to graffiti.  I left my mark, so if yall ever venture out there or if your children or something do, tell them to keep their eye out.

Hard hatz are cool.

In other news, my farmers tan is coming in nicely.  Life at the center is a struggle at times. I hated the food at first but after Jordan the food is tasting way better.  I have found this cereal that I am literally obsessed with.  I don't know what it is but they are like these little square puffs filled with delicious mystery inside.  I call them TLC.  The Lord's Cereal.  Similar to The Lord's Chips, but cereal.  I have eaten them for breakfast every morning since being here.  They are the main reason I wake up most mornings, and am not late to class.  The thought of them being gone before I get to breakfast is almost too much to handle.  Good thing I have a secret stash of them that I smuggle out of the cafeteria in case that ever where to happen.  I have made some strategic friendships, including one with the chef and sometimes I even get to TLC for dinner.

There are so many rules here.  And I get in trouble all the time.  Mostly for stupid stuff, but sometimes for legitimate stuff.  Like when I got in trouble for planking on the Holy of Holies on a field trip.  (Don’t worry, I got a picture.)  Luckily my San Diego family already said I can come to their house when I get sent home early.  Sometimes I feel like I am on house arrest because we can’t go out without a group of 3.  I hate not being able to do my own thing.  I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means? Webbie and Lil Boosie do because they wrote that song.  Also, it is sometimes a struggle being surrounded by other people 24-7, but luckily the people here are pretty great.  I seriously have never made so many friends in such a short amount of time.  Except for in high school when I missed school for a week because I was in the hospital and my brother told everyone I died.  When I came back to school everyone wanted to be my friend.  Maybe because they thought I was some kind of miracle.  Or because they realized how much their life sucked without me.  Definitely the latter.  But actually, probably the former.

Other random tidbits, I packed for this trip similar to the way I would pack for a camping trip.  I fully embraced the no jeans rule (which no one else abides, all the other girls dress like people do back in Provo and look super cute all the time which is rather disgusting) mainly because I hate jeans and think they are so uncomfortable, and brought nothing but cargo pants.  I also brought zero hair appliances.  It has been over a month since I have straightened, curled, or done anything beyond braiding with my hair.  If I had to describe my look in words the words would be "lesbian soccer mom."  Which is a very great style if you are of the rolling out of bed and being ready for the day in 5 minutes persuasion, which I most certainly am. However, despite my outward appearance I still have lots of friends and I have become a bit of a trend setter.  I talk in accents so much that people unconsciously have started talking back to me in accents. At which point I quickly switch to my normal voice and then they feel like a real idiot.  Also, I started the headstanding trend because I take headstand pictures at the cool places we go and a ton of people have started doing that.  Which is kind of flattering.  But mainly annoying.  Being a trend setter is hard work.  I am beginning to understand the woes of hipsters.  So to differentiate myself I started the headstand with no hands picture.  Which is pretty much the most hilarious looking thing ever.  

Golly gee.  That was hefty.  If you made it to the end I am proud.  If you just looked at the pictures totes acceptable.  I do the same.  That's why I included so many.  Please also scroll to the bottom of the page and see the foot note there and follow the instructions.  I hope yall are doing well back in America.  Pledge your allegiance to the flag for me.  Eat a bacon cheeseburger.  And most importantly  be good citizens, carry out your civic duties, abide by the laws (unless enacted by Obama), remember the words of our founding fathers, and never be afraid to enact vigilante law if the occasion arises.  God bless America.  Peace and blessings.  Below are a few more photos for your viewing pleasure.

Posing real cute by some antiquities.

The snow we were blessed with on the first day.

One of the tells that would be great for paint balling/laser tagging/ capture the flag/sardines/any and all fun games.  Including a nice lil round of Monopoly.

This is my good friend Emily.  Sometimes we take mirror pics in the shops of bedouin women.

And some times we take selfies at the Jabbok river.

Tebowing at the Holy of Holies at Tel Arad.

Holy of Holies.

Poor planking form, but excellent spiritual form.  Do you see that Holy Bible?  King James Version.  I got in trouble about 10 seconds after this picture was taken.

Headstanding at Mt. Nebo.

Kylie, I took this picture for you.  I know it will evoke a response from you so mainly it is here to see if you as faithful a blog stalker as you profess to be.

MEWOW!

***If you have any suggestions for my America playlist PLEASE submit them in a comment below. My goal is for the playlist to last me the entire flight from Tel Aviv to NYC when I fly back to the land of the free.  And I have factored in the portions of the flight when you are below 10,000 feet and electronic devices are not allowed.  The length is about 10 hours after all necessary adjustments are made.  God bless.